Before our second performance of ‘Attempts on her Life’, we altered some moments in the piece to prevent any confusion and make sure the message is kept throughout the piece. I was initially very anxious about these changes as I wasn't sure how they would go with the style of our piece and I didn't know if they would be relevant, but once we started piecing it all together i realised how much of a necessity they were. I really like the moment where we all stand in a line and introduce ourselves at the front, I found it really important to break that boundary with the audience and create a connection with them before the show begins, and it gave me a great level of confidence and energy which I needed going into the beginning of the show. Also, I found it quite ironic that there's the running theme of casting in the show and us standing in a line reminds me of going up for an audition and having to stand like that. I was also worried about getting rid of the voice overs and having the boys do the titles of each scene, as I really liked the idea of the Anne in that scene saying them bit as we watched them put those moments together, I found it fitted much better and there was a correlation between that and the opening. It reiterates the fact that the men are the hosts of the show, they're the important ones and they are the ones everyone has come to see, and we're merely the players in their game. It also links to the end where they end up getting the role, no matter how hard us ladies have worked, it'll never be enough for the role, or any role for that matter. I was very concerned if this would make the show more confusing for the audience, but with the reception we got from these finer details l'm very happy we made these alterations.
However, even with the audience understanding the theme more and feeling more of a connection with them, I was disappointed in the performance I gave during our final performance. I wanted to save the best until last for this process but unfortunately it wasn't meant to be. I wasn't sure why but I felt very insecure from my first moment in All Messages Deleted. I wasn't losing myself in the action like I had done in the previous show, and for some characters I struggled to get into the mindset of where I needed to be, especially with Anya. I tried to tap into the emotions I was feeling before and before I stepped on the stage, I was still stuck in where I was during All Messages Deleted. I felt my speech towards the camera was very empty and there wasn't much of a story behind it which the audience must have taken on as well, and as I thought I was finally getting into Anya’s headspace, I heard a family member gasp at all of the explicits in my speech. I was embarrassed at how this took me straight back out of this intense moment and I immediately fell back into "performing" and I couldn't culminate the emotion and anger I was able to the night before. I was really disappointed by my reaction to this moment and I want to work on completely immersing myself in the story and not letting any reactions from the audience take me out of the story, especially a story which is so dark and gritty. In contrast to this, during Untitled I really felt myself getting lost in this piece of art and starting to feel the passion and anger my character is feeling at this point in time, almost so much that I forgot my cue and left a late pause which wasn't needed. I've really enjoyed reaching to the performance artists and showcasing them to the camera, whilst trying to beat Grace at her game, but I need to work on balancing those things and immersing myself in the scene the way I have done, but also keep an ear out for my cue and make sure the scene runs smoothly and there's plenty of pace and snappiness between our argument.
However, I was really impressed with my performance in Strangely!, considering how frustrated I got with learning the blocking and keeping in time with the rest of the company. I also felt like this was the first time I could add flavour to my character and play around since I've been so focused on remembering the lines, and in between each moment with the soldiers I could see myself thinking about what comes next. During this performance, I really felt the energy from the rest of the company and there was more flow from one movement to the next which was great for both us as a company and the audience for understanding the scene. Throughout our previous runs of the show I felt myself depending on Mia and Layla to finish their dialogue, leave a pause and then go into our moments, but having this directly after, I personally felt there was more of a tension build in the scene and I could feel the drop once Anya mentioned about her child being in the bags. I saw audience members shocked by this moment in the play, and I was really happy that we took time out to polish these moments and run the lines, this scene was holding me back a lot and I felt a lot of pressure being in an ensemble and for everyone to be in sync with one another, and I'm really happy that we were able to pull that off tonight.
Another scene I felt that I had improved on since the last performance was Porno, I really enjoy embracing the sensual energy in that scene, especially towards the beginning, and tonight I had a touch of awkwardness about my character which I really loved. It hit me during the build up to the climax, where the men start shouting at us to flaunt ourselves more and we desperately want to please them, but this is the moment where it starts to come through that we're not enjoying what we're doing and no woman should have to face this exploitation, and I imagined myself in the shoes of any woman who has felt self conscious or insecure or scared for something she doesn't want to put herself through. Fortunately I haven't been in a scenario like this but I know of people who have and i was able to draw from their experiences and feel that fear of being pushed into something nobody should have to face, and I really liked how this energy came out during this moment, meaning my characters determination to stop herself from getting lost in this dangerous world shone through. I was very happy with my performance during these scenes and I felt a huge improvement in my ability to draw from experiences.
Overall, I thought our final show was a great way to end the process, although I was disappointed with my performance in some areas I was pleased with my ability to carry on and leave each story behind and get in the right headspace for the next one. I think my anxiety came from the moment in Faith In Ourselves and I should've clocked it, looked at where I went wrong and then looked at how I can get back on track for the next story instead of letting it affect me for the rest of the night. However, there were plenty of positives to take away from this night as well, and I'm very pleased with how I've developed during that period between both shows.
There is no doubt that this process was one of the most challenging processes I’ve been a part of since I started my training, but I’m very proud of the performances I gave and how I’ve handled understanding and unpicking the play. I’ve been on a rollercoaster since the start of the process and it’s taken time for me to get in the right headspace for this piece, but I’ve really enjoyed developing new characters and working on a new style and genre of theatre. I felt quite intimidated walking into this production as I’m not as experienced in theatre as some of the other members of the company, but I was able to use what I learnt in film and adapt it to our production and I’m very happy with the skill set I’ve developed throughout this show. This process has been the best for me to show how versatile I am and how different and abstract I can develop my characters, as well as finding honesty and sensitivity in the moments that needed to be stripped back. However, I was disappointed in how I reacted when we first chose this play, I wasn’t a fan of this piece originally and that showed during rehearsals a majority of the time, I should’ve found ways and elements inside the play that I loved and was desperate to work on, rather than disregarding the whole piece straight away. Also, I definitely need to start voicing my opinions more and being more direct in what I say, because it can come off as lazy sometimes and I want to show how hard I’m working behind the scenes and bring this research and reflection onto the floor. Apart from this, I’m so happy with how I’ve unpicked and understood the meaning behind the piece and I think adding those transition moments into the mix were very helpful in tying the piece together for me.
I’m proud of how I’ve developed during this process but also disappointed with some of my work, and I wish I’d been more consistent and been more direct from the beginning. I have plenty to work on for the next step in my training but I’m happy with my journey from the moment we chose our piece, and the performances were some of my strongest throughout my training!
Comments